Is this all there is?

I’m 48 days sober today.  The days seem to be dragging as I look forward to 91, which will be my personal record.  It feels easier this time and I can’t tell if I’m just getting better at ignoring the thoughts, or if the thoughts just aren’t coming as much as they used to.  The other day I was driving home from work and a song came on that triggered a memory of day drinking.  I observed myself have the thought and I watched myself quickly bat it away, and say “you’re a non-drinker now.”  It was anti-climactic.  Is this what life is now? I’ll forever be a non-drinker?

I’ve been having a rough time the last few days.  I feel like I have no passion. I think I’ve been this way for a while, but drinking helped mask it.  Now that I’m not drinking, I am more aware of it.  A lot of it has to do with my job, and how little I value it now.  I’m bored, and unmotivated and not challenged.  I dread getting up most days.  Up to about a year ago, my passion was my job.  But now it’s not and I feel lost.  Or maybe I thought my job was my passion, and I was just able to go on this long because my real passion was drinking.  I don’t know.  But now, I am not drinking and I hate my job and that’s all there is.  I remember when I was drinking almost every night, accepting the fact that life was just boring.  I believe that’s why I drank – to combat the boredom.  Now I know that I created a lot of the boredom for myself by drinking.  But, I expected that to change once I stopped.

I realized this weekend that the thought is still there – life is boring.  If I don’t have anything to look forward to, I get restless.  Maybe I’m still too early in sobriety – but I’ve been doing this for almost half a year…I’ve only drank 2 times in the last 150 days.  I need to find my passion.  That feels like so much pressure though.  What if I don’t have one?  What if I can’t find one?  Do I just need to accept that life is sometimes boring?

This is a lot of rambling today.  I haven’t blogged in quite some time because I was putting so much pressure on myself to have a topic and a clear cut agenda but in doing it that way, I was writing nothing.  So I’m just going to try to write what I’m feeling and go from there.

 

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11 Responses to Is this all there is?

  1. ainsobriety says:

    I completely understand. I truly felt I had missed my calling. That I was supposed to do something else.
    As my sober time has grown my view of everything has shifted. I see my job better – it is still not the most exciting job in the world, but it pays me well and I like money to travel.
    I have found yoga and started teaching, things I never, ever expected.
    I enjoy quiet time. Also new.

    In my last year of drinking I really felt I was biding my time, waiting to die. I know that sounds low, and I was clearly very depressed, but I thought that’s how everyone felt.

    Give yourself most time. Explore interests. Try something new. You never know….

    Anne

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    • Krista H says:

      Thanks Anne. I do hope that this restlessness dies down and I can learn to accept my job for what it is – a way to have stability and do things that I want to do that require money. It doesn’t need to be my everything, I just have to find SOMETHING. I will try to be patient 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. clearlee says:

    I can relate to what you write too. I think while I was drinking, I didn’t explore many hobbies or interests, yet I didn’t notice because “drinking” was what I was doing. Now sober, and with no children, I find I have a lot of time on my hands. What to do with it all??
    I think trying different things is key. Not to pressure yourself to “find your one passion” but just to find a few things you enjoy doing. Keep taking new classes, join groups, explore. It can always change too. I took up knitting for a while, now not so much. Zumba last year, now getting into hot yoga. I’m thinking about volunteering as well- which can be hugely rewarding, especially if you’re not finding your job fulfilling. And be patient with yourself- you’ll figure it out with time. This is still very new!

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  3. Way to go!! That is one more day than yesterday 🙂

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  4. MilesAway says:

    Surprise surprise – another post I feel I could have written! I can’t really give any advice (not that I really give advice anyway – just ramblings..) but I totally know where you are coming from, especially lately similar feelings about work – my dream organisation!! So much has changed, so much is changing – some in our control, and some not (a lot of our moods!) So, I figure it’s going to be weird and seem dull (less chaos and drama…) but there are so many positives.. I am just not feeling them right now.

    Life’s alright but I feel so BORED and like you, think is this seriously it!? But my moods are so extreme and THIS HAS HOW ITS ALWAYS BEEN AND HOW IT WILL BE FOREVER NOW – and then I’ll realise the ‘always’ has been a day or two.. Given that most of my friends go on about wishing they were younger, and I honestly am happy with my age, and don’t think I’m old at all – not fair I’m going through my teenagers years again! haha.

    Please keep rambling – I like rambles and I’ve missed your posts!

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    • Krista H says:

      It makes me feel good that you missed my posts 🙂 Thanks for saying that. It never really hit me until I read your comment, but I guess I do tend to think in the extremes, like you. After a few days when I look at myself with new clarity, it’s never as awful as I made it out to be. And it’s never “always”! I’ll be more aware of that now.

      Liked by 1 person

      • MilesAway says:

        Haha extremes…? Never.. 😉 I realised one reason time goes so slowly now (not in a particular negative way) is because I have a zillion extreme emotions and every time they change it’s another eternity… !

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  5. Oh I can relate SO much! I got to about 4 months before I decided to “treat myself” to a nice dinner and a couple of glasses of wine, and then did that same thing the next two weekends. Why? Because life felt too boring. I was the never the type to drink for stress, because to me drinking was always about having fun, celebrating, rewarding myself for making it to the end of the week, etc. So now I’m just a little over 30 days and experiencing very many of the same feelings. On the HOME podcast this week, they read a letter from a reader who talks about how she can only drink so much tea and take so many baths, and I was like YES EXACTLY. Creating those kinds of routines are sometimes helpful because they give me something to do to keep me from getting bored, but eventually they also get boring and I want a change of pace and that’s when the idea of a small celebration sounds fun.

    So my advice is basically the same as clearlee’s. I’m forcing myself to just try new things. I’m not beating myself up if they don’t stick. I’d worry less about trying to find your passion right this second, and instead just try some new things out. I really like taking classes because not only do I learn from an expert who makes sure I get all the right supplies, but it also makes me meet new people, and also it’s something I actually have to go to instead of being like, “maybe one day I’ll do that thing”. So my advice would be to google different kinds of classes in your area, and then sign up for a whole bunch over the next couple of months–painting, knitting, sewing, pottery, cooking, whatever appeals. Also, if you’re like me, there are SO many places that I’m like “I should go there…one day” and it sits on my list for forever. So I’ve started literally adding things to my calendar just to make myself do them–like this Saturday I scheduled myself to go to a science museum I’ve been wanting to go to since it first opened and have still not been to…

    Trying new stuff has made me feel more optimistic this time around, but I still feel as if I need more meaning. I’m doing Hip Sobriety School this time and hope to get some ideas from there.

    And lastly, yes, I think we DO need to learn that boredom is just a part of life sometimes. This is where I really struggle because I’m used to doing something, anything, to try to get rid of that uncomfortable boring feeling. I’m really just trying to remember that life doesn’t feel any better when you’re just chasing fleeting pleasure after fleeting pleasure, and that it keeps you stuck in a cycle of only feeling happy when good stuff is happening. Meditation has helped with this, and also the Secular Buddhism podcast because it’s helped me drill a lot of these concepts into my brain. And lastly, I try to remember that both pleasures are boredoms are all temporary, and try to keep myself in the moment instead of futurecasting “is it going to feel this way forever?” because the answer is no, everything is changing, always, if we just look for it.

    BTW I’m friending you on FB if you want to chat more. 🙂

    Like

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