I’m 48 days sober today. The days seem to be dragging as I look forward to 91, which will be my personal record. It feels easier this time and I can’t tell if I’m just getting better at ignoring the thoughts, or if the thoughts just aren’t coming as much as they used to. The other day I was driving home from work and a song came on that triggered a memory of day drinking. I observed myself have the thought and I watched myself quickly bat it away, and say “you’re a non-drinker now.” It was anti-climactic. Is this what life is now? I’ll forever be a non-drinker?
I’ve been having a rough time the last few days. I feel like I have no passion. I think I’ve been this way for a while, but drinking helped mask it. Now that I’m not drinking, I am more aware of it. A lot of it has to do with my job, and how little I value it now. I’m bored, and unmotivated and not challenged. I dread getting up most days. Up to about a year ago, my passion was my job. But now it’s not and I feel lost. Or maybe I thought my job was my passion, and I was just able to go on this long because my real passion was drinking. I don’t know. But now, I am not drinking and I hate my job and that’s all there is. I remember when I was drinking almost every night, accepting the fact that life was just boring. I believe that’s why I drank – to combat the boredom. Now I know that I created a lot of the boredom for myself by drinking. But, I expected that to change once I stopped.
I realized this weekend that the thought is still there – life is boring. If I don’t have anything to look forward to, I get restless. Maybe I’m still too early in sobriety – but I’ve been doing this for almost half a year…I’ve only drank 2 times in the last 150 days. I need to find my passion. That feels like so much pressure though. What if I don’t have one? What if I can’t find one? Do I just need to accept that life is sometimes boring?
This is a lot of rambling today. I haven’t blogged in quite some time because I was putting so much pressure on myself to have a topic and a clear cut agenda but in doing it that way, I was writing nothing. So I’m just going to try to write what I’m feeling and go from there.